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My Husband the Weed Whacker

— August 26, 2015

In what I promise is NOT a sequel to “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” Rep. Steve King, R-IA, is on a crusade to warn the good citizens of our fair nation of an impending crisis. Due to the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage, King is certain that we’re about to see huge numbers of man-on-machine marriages as closeted John Deere junkies flood the streets seeking to marry their lawnmowers.

Oh, my Dolce & Gabbana, this one is just unbelievable. I’d say it’s something in the water, but I have a friend in Iowa who aren’t, well, batcrap crazy. Rep. Steve King, R-IA, was introducing human, I mean presidential, wannabe Mike Huckabee at a campaign soirée when he trotted out his favorite (and potentially least logical) bon mot: thanks to those radicals on the SCOTUS and their landmark ruling on same-sex marriage, people will be flocking to Justices of the Peace to marry their lawnmowers. Personally, I prefer the sleek line of my husband the weed whacker.

Anyone who’s been following the s**t-show put on by various Republicans this year likely knows that, for some inexplicable reason, King seems fixated on people marrying their lawn equipment. He’s made this statement again and again since July 1 2015. Personally, somebody should check his browser history because as Shakespeare wrote, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

King told the Sioux City Journal that, “I had a strong, Christian lawyer tell me yesterday that, under this decision that he has read, what it brings about is: It only requires one human being in this relationship — that you could marry your lawnmower with this decision. I think he’s right.”

I think someone needs to sue his law school for lack of a decent education. Unless he just took a lot of in-class naps.

Fair is fair though, his Highness King isn’t the only Republican flapping his gums in an extraordinary attempt to warn the nation of the impending crisis of human/non-human marriages. Everyone’s favorite speaker on abortions and civil rights, Rick Santorum, R-PA, is terribly worried about “man-on-dog” marriage.

5c8c7-politicians_santorum252crick_dogface-to-face-snarlI am telling you people, check their browser histories! There has to be some bow-chicka-bow-wow somewhere in there!

Then again, maybe the stress of being nationally recognized paragons of uptight whiteness is just getting to them. Case in point, King, who told a reporter in 2002 that he’s of Irish, German and Welsh ancestry, recently tweeted HUD Secretary Julian Castro. The message? That King is every bit as “Hispanic and Latino as he [Castro].”

Sorry hon, eating Taco Bell for lunch does not mean what you apparently think it does.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not appliance-phobic. As long as it’s between consenting adults and lawnmowers I say, “Let it ride!” Just think of all the cool John Deere themed weddings! I wonder if Armani has anything in green this season…


Rep. Steve King thinks people will now marry lawnmowers since same-sex marriage is legal

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