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Native Americans Make an Amnesty Offer to 240M Illegals

— August 26, 2015

Native Americans have patiently dealt with an ever-growing problem for centuries: illegal immigration. That patience has finally run out. NANC, a group of Native American leaders, has decided to make an amnesty offer to 240M illegals. This generous offer gives those hear illegally the opportunity to become citizens of the First Nation. Reservations are being prepared for those who choose to accept the offer.

In what can only be called a generous offer, NANC, a council of Native American Leaders, is giving European settlers a chance to make things right. After centuries of patience with the immigration issue, Native Americans make an amnesty offer to 240M illegals.

Chief Sauti of the Nez Perce tribe, said, “We will give Europeans the option to apply for Native Citizenship. To obtain legal status, each applicant must write a heartfelt apology for their ancestors’ crimes, pay an application fee of $5,000, and, if currently on any ancestral Native land, they must relinquish that land to NANC or pay the market price, which we decide.” One has every reason to believe that Manhattan’s FMV is decidedly not $24.

There are limits to NANC’s offer, though. “Any illegal European who has a criminal record of any sort, minus traffic and parking tickets, will be deported back to their native land. Anybody with contagious diseases like HIV, smallpox, herpes, etc, will not qualify and will also be deported,” added Chief Sauti. While there are obviously historical reasons that would add smallpox to the list, one finds it hard to believe that old blankets spread HIV.

Then again, what’s done on old blankets surely could. Just sayin’.

However, not everyone in the First Nation is thrilled with NANC’s decision. John Dakota, speaking on behalf of True Americans, said, “They all need to be deported back to Europe. They came here illegally and took a giant crap on our land. They brought disease and alcoholism, stole everything we have because they were too lazy to improve and develop their own countries.”

Anyone who’s had the misfortune of being stuck in a mall on Black Friday can attest to the veracity of Dakota’s claim about that “crap.”

Most historians agree that the European colonization of North America that began in the 16th and 17th centuries was not on the up and up. In fact, they say that settlers from England, France and Spain pretty much took whatever land they wanted by use of illegal wars, forced displacement and genocide. Then, of course, infamous illegals Lewis & Clark trespassed all over the First Nation’s western territories causing further illegal seizures of land.

Ultimately, the flood of illegals with their dirty illegal habits brought about the creation of the Indian Reservation system. The first person to mention a casino gets a tomahawk to the side of the head.

It’s unclear whether the illegals will be smart enough to accept NANC’s offer or if ultimately, True Americans’ deportation plan will be the solution to this ever-growing problem. True Americans’ Dakota believes that the NANC plan only rewards lawbreakers.

The issue of “anchor babies” (those born on Native soil to illegal parents) seems to be, well, a non-issue for NANC. As long as you’re not Native, you’re an illegal regardless of birth. There are those who married into Native families, of course. If still married, these people needn’t worry about their citizenship status. Likewise, the children of such unions, having Native blood running through their veins, are full citizens.

Republican presidential candidate, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal speaks during a meet and greet at the Wapello GOP headquarters, Monday, Aug. 24, 2015, in Ottumwa, Iowa. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)(AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

Bobby Jindal, vitriolic illegal governor of Louisiana, potential candidate for the illegal position of U.S. President (and non-anchor baby because the fact that his parents weren’t naturalized citizens when he hatched seems to have slipped his mind) must be hotter than a Madras curry over the fact that NANC did away with the anchor baby issue so easily when he, and his Muppet-headed fellow illegal potential candidate Donald Trump can’t seem to manage it.

My advice? Take the deal. Sure, it will mean moving to a new home on one of the many Reservations for Europeans. You’ll get to enjoy the benefits of no preventative health care, overcrowded & substandard housing, no jobs and, in at least 50% of homes, no connection to a public sewer. Still, you came here for a reason, right? While the milk is sour and the honey is tainted with mold, your settler spirit will carry you through! Remember the Donner Party?

You may have noticed I said, “You” a lot in the preceding paragraph. My ancestors married into honest, hardworking Native families, so…

Turn down that godawful Britney Spears music and get off my lawn!


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