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No Roasted Chicken in Texas!

— June 29, 2015
Ow! That's hotter than I thought it would be!
Ow! That’s hotter than I thought it would be!


There’ll be no roasted chicken in Texas! In a surprising about face, a Texas pastor won’t burn. Rick Scarborough, an anti-equality pastor in Pearland, TX has weaseled out of his public threat to torch himself if the SCOTUS approved marriage equality.

His original “fiery” statement that, “We are not going to bow, we are not going to bend, and if necessary we will burn,” has since been downgraded to, “We do not support any violence or physical harm.” What a chicken! Some believe Scarborough wasn’t really serious in his threat of self-immolation and others… let’s just say sales of S’mores kits hit an all-time high.

Shortly after the SCOTUS declared that LGBTQ people were no longer second-class citizens, Scarborough took to the air (not literally, farm chickens have their wings clipped) to clarify his intent.

“I made that comment to paraphrase a spiritual song, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in which the three were given a choice—to bow to the image of Nebuchadnezzar or burn in a furnace,” said the suddenly flame-retardant minister. “‘We will burn’ means that we will accept any sanction from the government for resisting [Friday’s] Supreme Court decision. We do not support any violence or physical harm.”

I call BS!

In the Book of Daniel, when Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused to worship King Nebuchadnezzar’s statue, the King did not say to them, “Behold! You have refused an order from your King! You will now be sent to bed without supper!”

Nope. He tossed them into a furnace that was heated “seven times hotter than normal,” according to all accounts. The soldier charged with the tossing died of exposure to the heat even though they never set foot in the furnace.

However, according to Scarborough, who believes that the Bible is the immutable word of God, that’s not what the story really meant. Sure thing, pastor. If that’s the case, than all that stuff about “thou shall not lie with a man as with a woman” must surely mean lying to your male friends is worse than lying to your girlfriend. You know, the biblical version of bros before… well, you get it.

If that’s not the case, then logic dictates that you modify God’s Word to serve your own purposes, or that your own faith isn’t enough to keep your fat out of the fryer. I’ll just be over here making some Cole slaw while you decide.


Texas Pastor Now Says He Didn’t Mean He’d Really Set Himself Aflame

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