It appears I shan’t be getting a chance for 15-minutes of fame by defending all gay people everywhere in federal court in Omaha, Nebraska. The Ambassador for God’s suit against all homosexuals was dismissed. A pity really. My opening argument was brilliant and Paula Abdul choreographed the summation.
Despite what one can only assume was a strong urge to ask Madame Ambassador, “Huh-what?!?!” Judge John Gerrard handled the case with all due professionalism and restraint when he dismissed the case saying that it wasn’t up to the court to decide the sinfulness of homosexuality.
Judge Gerrard made it perfectly clear in the opinion that Madame Ambassador’s complaint failed on a number of key points. First, it fails the test for subject-matter jurisdiction. In order for the federal court to hear the case, it must involve the Constitution or some other law or treaty of the U.S. It could also reference an amount in controversy of over $75,000 and finally, it could be a matter of diversity of citizenship.
Madame Ambassador put forth no legal claim under any known U.S. law. She did not name a specific amount in controversy so it fails that test, too. Last, Madame Ambassador did not address whether she and All Homosexuals were from the same or different states, thus failing the diversity of citizenship test.
Neither did Madame Ambassador ask for any specific relief the type of which the federal court system can grant. As Judge Gerrard said, “The United States Federal Courts were created to resolve actual cases and controversies arising under the Constitution and the laws of the United States. A federal court is not a forum for debate or discourse on theological matters.”
In short, Madame Ambassador’s case was a stinker. Judge Gerrard continued, “The Court will not give the plaintiff an opportunity to amend her complaint in this matter because it is obvious that amendment would be futile. Even liberally construed, the plaintiff does not set forth any discernible claim for relief over which this Court has jurisdiction. This Court is not the place to seek opinions regarding theological matters; this particular forum is closed and the case will be dismissed.” [Bold font appears in the court document.]
As of the time of writing, Madame Ambassador’s Clients were not available for comment. The ambassador herself was also unavailable.
One presumes her Clients were OK with the dismissal though, as no lightning strikes were reported. Now I just have to figure out what to do with a dozen dancing cherubim and a disappointed Paula Abdul.