The earthly ambassador for God and His Son, Jesus Christ recently filed a suit against all homosexuals asking the U.S. District Court of Omaha, Nebraska to review the issue of whether homosexuality is a sin. If you’re thinking “Pope Francis,” think again! Ambassador Sylvia Driskell, 66, will appear in pro se (representing herself). No word is available on representation for every homosexual in America, though I am considering a flight to Nebraska.
In case you think I’ve slipped a cog and decided to report on an article from The Onion, I assure you my cogs are all in order. Here is the record of the filing. For your information and amusement, I present a transcript of the Ambassador’s complaint. The original complaint was handwritten, of course; no grammar or spelling edits have been done.
The Ambassador apparently believes that homosexuality is a sin and that the majority of the horrible things happening in the U.S. are her Clients’ punishment because we allow judges to make pro-gay laws. Madame Ambassador also takes issue with gay marriage. Of course, the SCOTUS is handling that issue already. She further takes issue with gay parenting:
“Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell write these words to You, Your Honor: every good Father and Mother knows that its not just being able to give life to a child that makes a parent.
Ambassador: I, Sylvia Ann Driskell contend a good parent is not just a father or a mother that tells their children whats right; it’s the parent that walks the walk, and that talks, the talk, who are the example of what they teach, that’s why their children know right from wrong.
Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, write, As well, we also know that if a child is raised in a home of liers, an deceivers, and thieves that it is reasonable to believe that child will grow up to be one of the three, are all three.”
Apparently, Madame Ambassador is under the impression that having gay parents will make the child gay, because all children grow up to be just like Mommy and Daddy. Hitler’s parents must have been real monsters…
Madame Ambassador’s complaint also brings into question whether her Clients love gay people. Citing John 3:16, the esteemed ambassador stipulates that He does, in fact, love gay people because He gave up His only Son to death to save gay people. It’s just that, well, she feels they should stop being gay.
Personally, I would like to see the ambassador’s suit come to trial. I would call, as my first two Witnesses, Madame Ambassador’s Clients to ask them directly whether they love gay people. I’m still wrestling with how the court would put Them under oath, though. However, once under oath, they would be compelled to answer truthfully and this whole damn matter could be put to rest once and for all.
The court has yet to comment on the Ambassador’s suit. That good lady was unavailable for comment, as well. As of this writing, neither of her Clients has responded to calls.
Of course, there’s always the possibility that Madame Ambassador’s Clients won’t side with peace and love and fabulousness. In that case, I’m totally screwed.